Parents are Perpetual LOSERS (Looking for the Win Column)

Posted on September 14, 2018 by hymningandhaing

“The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest” – Unknown

I guess it’s fair to say that we’ve hit the “rocky stage.” It’s the craggy valley where your kids try your patience, serve up dozens of complaints, defy you at every turn, accuse you of the most outlandish things (like purposefully ruining their lives!) and all before Cheerios. I believe the marketing industry categorizes this phase of adolescence as “tween,” but that sounds a little too benign for this particular stage of development. And while I’m not sure how we got here, (as far as I can tell) there are no posted signs for the nearest exit. The most baffling part (at least for me) is that just when I think things can’t get any crazier and I start wondering who these children REALLY belong to, I find myself the recipient of a hug and a warm smile.

So what’s up? It’s the same old story. Only it seems all the more confusing since I’m the Mom actually living through it. I feel like the victim of some kind of psychological warfare, thus making it hard to balance what I know is age appropriate behavior with these outrageous episodes. I know enough to realize that I wasn’t the perfect child. Yet, I still seem to think that on so many levels I had to be a little easier than my two kiddos. “Can I have this? Can you get me that? If I do this, then will you…” (fill in the blank with some outlandish request), followed by, “Do I have to?” and “You CAN’T make me!” It’s like we stepped back in time and I’m the mother of toddlers again. Suddenly, the automatic kid response to everything is “No” accompanied with eye rolling (that’s new) and foot stomping. I shudder to think of what might happen if the two actually got along long enough to conspire against my husband and I. My sweet, darling daughter often takes her cues from her older brother which only seems to compound the problem. And whoever said that boys were easier than girls doesn’t know squat about my household. So what’s a Mom to do?

Basically, I pray a lot. I try to understand where they’re coming from and channel my own tween years. I take a deep breath and sometimes I actually have to ESCAPE to my happy place. I remind myself that parenting is not easy. In fact, it’s pretty much a thankless job. And I think that’s the part that bothers me the most. That’s the part that hurts so much. The lack of gratitude. These children have EVERYTHING. I’m not just talking about material things, these children absolutely have the whole, wide world laid out before them! My brain knows that their lack of gratitude isn’t something I should take personally, but still my heartstrings can’t help but feel heavy and pulled and sometimes even FRAYED at the end of the day. It’s tiresome, worrying and basically not much fun.

On bad days…well, it’s bad. Good days (as in 24 continuous hours of bliss) are hard to come by. That’s why I’m trying to hang on (and find hope in) the little things. I’ve secretly started calling these rare occurrences “Mom-tastic Moments.” They’re the small victories that I tuck into my heart and hold on to for dear life. They stack up like this….

Like with anything, the good times are unpredictable and unscheduled. The outrageous moments seem to happen at the most inconvenient times. And since this parenting thing doesn’t come naturally to me, I have to call upon my own life experiences to get by…and sometimes that makes for a parent-child disconnect. For example, I remember how much my husband laughed when he overheard me telling our newborn, “If this breastfeeding thing is going to work out, you’re going to have to learn to FOCUS.” Needless to say, my baby didn’t choose to listen to me (even at two days old) and we had to move on to bottle feeding. Short-term loss, long-term gain (the kid had to eat right?) And many years later, my rational approach to life still gets trumped by these two irrational beings. I’ve read all the books, researched and googled every problem, and (in desperation) I’ve even tried to reason with them! Most of which has gotten me nowhere. So while I’m still neck-deep in this motherhood thing, here’s What I Now Know (WINK) about parenting:

THERE’S POWER IN NUMBERS. Don’t go at this parenting thing alone. I know the two parent household isn’t the norm for everyone, and that’s okay. As much as you can, involve the other parent, both sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles and even trusted friends. Role models do not have to be blood related. Many times things that I have harped on my kids about become an “aha” experience when the same advice comes out of the mouth of an adult other than myself. I’m way over feeding any sort of parenting ego…if there’s someone else who can aid my efforts and serve as a voice of reason, then by all means 🙂
MAKE YOUR EXPECTATIONS KNOWN. Not all things go as planned, but I’m slowly finding that if I speak up about what I expect from my kiddos then at least we’re all on the same page (if only for a brief second.) No–this doesn’t mean everything will go perfectly, but it’s better than having that horrible conversation after everything has gone wrong only to hear your child say to you, “Well, why didn’t you tell me that’s what you wanted in the beginning” or “I didn’t know that’s how it was supposed to go down.” Although they sometimes act like three-year olds, I find that things go a lot smoother when I approach them with clear “big kid” expectations.
DON’T TAKE EVERYTHING PERSONALLY. This is probably the hardest one. I really try to live by the golden rule. I’m not sure this is a priority for my kids…and I have to remind myself to cut them some slack. Science reminds us of all the growth and development that takes place in a child’s mind. Researchers have proven that a “mature,” functioning brain (complete with a rationale for risk taking) doesn’t exist until one’s early 20s. Obviously, they’re not going to be perfect. I often remind myself (and them) that we all have feelings, words and actions both speak volumes, and that we’re a family that LOVES each other. Some days are better than others.
IT’S OKAY TO BE A LOSER. This one is going to need some clarification. Remember how I mentioned short-term loss, long-term gain? That’s parenting in a nut shell. We lose a lot in this exchange: sleep, control, time, energy, money, arguments…and the list could go on and on. The gains don’t typically take place in the parenting trenches. Often times they come much (much) later. It’s a miracle to me that any of us signed up to do this! But then I think about the gains: smiles, hugs, love, and eventually…appreciation, respect, and wisdom 🙂 This is big picture stuff, and the big stuff never is (and maybe shouldn’t be) easy.
CALL YOUR MOM (a lot.) She has a way of putting things into focus. My mom reminds me that I’m not the first mother to go through this and that it’s all NORMAL. I need to hear it and you probably do, too! Mothers who have graduated into “grandmotherhood” have an insight and a perspective that just cannot be matched. Besides, acknowledging your mother’s hard-earned wisdom is a heartwarming way of showing your mother how much you love and appreciate her…even if it took you decades to get there! No one person has had more influence on my life than my mom…and she deserves to know that!

I am far from the perfect parent. There are still days when I’m as far away from the win column as any one person can get. I lose my cool more often that I like. But, like most of us, I’m in it for the long haul–these kids have my whole heart 🙂 For some crazy reason, (as irrational as it sounds) I wouldn’t trade it for the world. And when my children are 40…well, maybe (just maybe) I’ll get that win column tally mark I’ve been waiting for…. Hope you get yours, too!

😉 What I Now Know (W.I.N.K.) is a recurring entry on this blog. The idea of WINK as an acronym popped into my head the other day while I was doing laundry. You see, aside from being a slave to housework I actually have quite a bit of knowledge filed away in my overworked brain. While I don’t claim to be an expert on anything, I know something about a few subjects that just might be worth sharing. And just like that this new blog idea was born–WINK (What I Now Know). I hope to share a little bit of what I’ve learned as a daughter, sister, friend, wife, mother and all-around regular, ordinary girl. Look for ongoing posts, but What I Now Know (as a busy wife and mother) is not to promise weekly entries because life happens– and it usually happens when I want to blog! (Here’s where if I could wink at you, I WOULD.)

Shooting Stars and Passing Cars (A Panting Dog and the Occasional Meow)

Posted on August 11, 2016 by hymningandhaing

I’ve loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.

—Galileo, astronomer

A “cool” Mom would have packed the kiddos in the van (snacks and blankets in tow) and strategically driven into the darkest part of the night to view this summer’s Perseid Meteor Showers. But I never said I was a “cool” Mom. So instead, I mandated the offspring turn off their devices, shuffle out into the backyard, and plant themselves on carefully arranged patio furniture (all under threat of a grounding if they took ONE look at their tablets or phones.) “Your eyes,” I said, “need several minutes to adjust.” Fifteen minutes, to be exact. It was shortly after midnight…and just two days before the first day of school.

Perseid Shower Star Guide from Sky & Telescope

We should have already been a week into school night “practice,” but we weren’t. So putting respectable bedtimes on hold (yet again,) we looked to the sky. We were on a mission to see a shooting star…or at least I was. Prior to that summer evening, we had spent several nights staring at the heavens. I had studied a constellation app and was armed with lots of information–some I learned as a kid, some I learned in a college course, and some other info I had just recently found on the internet. It was still super warm outside and oh so humid! Aside from the crickets, the only sounds at that late (early?) hour included two passing cars, our dog’s crazy panting (not sure what her deal was that night), and the occasional meow of the neighborhood cats. So on this particular night, star watching was an exercise in patience. I’m not sure what you know about the Perseid Meteor Shower, but I heard upwards of 30 shooting stars per hour! WOW! That, however, did not happen.

Within the first five minutes, the complaining began. I decided to impress the kiddos with my knowledge of constellations. We picked out the standards…The Big Dipper and Little Dipper. I taught them how to find the North Star. We saw several planes fly through the night sky. And finally, we moved on to Cassiopeia and the story of Perseus himself. I should be happy that the children politely listened to my little lesson, but it wasn’t very long before they shifted back to their “we’re bored” posture. Convinced they were outside for no reason at all–we finally saw a shooting star! And what a shooting star it was… Just when I thought all my efforts to secure one final summer memory were lost…we saw the “big one.”

It’s not like we had never seen a shooting star before. We had. But despite all the time we had spent stargazing this summer, the kids hadn’t had much luck. But right then and there we had finally witnessed one…and it was spectacular! Very dramatic, very bright, and especially long-lasting—given the fleeting nature of shooting stars. It streaked across the night sky right above our heads! It was a spectacle to behold and an experience we will never forget…for several reasons:

1) because all of us saw it together

2) because everyone made a wish

3) no one told what they wished for (not even a hint)

The last part was sort of a surprise. We had never talked about wishing on a star and yet, it was the first thing we all instinctively did.

As we looked to the sky I couldn’t help but wonder what everyone had wished, especially the kiddos. As a child, I can remember wishing for lots of things…everything from new shoes to a “good” hair day to getting to go someplace special. As I got older, my star wishes moved on to passing a tough test, getting a certain boy to notice me, and making it through college. Nowadays, my wishes are typically for others…and especially for my kids. But I wouldn’t necessarily call them wishes…because they’re really more like prayers. That night as that star streaked across the sky…the wish on my heart was really a silent petition, a prayer to God.

We saw two more meteors streak across the sky that night. Later, after everyone else had gone back inside, my daughter asked if I thought wishes came true. She said she was pretty sure that she had wished hard for a flat-screen TV one Christmas, but she didn’t get one. She detailed a list of many other wishes that had gone unfulfilled. It was the start of a long conversation about magical versus miracle, God versus “genie,” and the incredible power of prayer. Wishes, I explained were desires of the heart, but prayers are always answered…sometimes with yes, sometimes with no, sometimes with wait and sometimes with go. It’s a conversation that we’ve revisited several times since. Thank you, Perseid Meteor Shower…for one last summer hurrah! Under that night sky, when we should have been fast asleep, the heavens opened the door to something truly amazing…a blessed conversation that served in many ways as its own answered prayer. I honestly could have stayed out all night!

I’m already looking forward to more sky watching..and especially more conversations about life, faith, and the majesty of our Great Creator. And I hope that someday the kids will share their wishes. and especially their prayers with me—because if (when) mine come true…you know I’ll be the first one to tell.

The only difference between a wish and a prayer is that you’re at the mercy of the universe for the first, and you’ve got some help with the second.

—Jodi Picoult, author

I Have So Much to Tell You….

Posted on February 29, 2016 by hymningandhaing

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings. –Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Used to be that if you found an interesting news article, you’d clip it out of the newspaper/magazine and store it in a safe place. Sometimes, if it was particularly moving or important, you’d haul yourself down to a Kinko’s or something and make copies. If one deemed it EXTRA pertinent, you might purchase a stamp and mail it to someone. In today’s “copy and paste” world, news nerds like myself are one click away from sharing various news links…or in my case, SAVING, interesting articles.

I have several dozens saved. I won’t give you an exact number…as it might be used against me as a measurement of my nerdiness. You can probably imagine that several of these saved articles fall into the faith and family categories. What can I say other than that I’m fairly predictable and in some regards, very old school. I tried sharing a SAVED article with my son recently…via a link in a text message…to which I received a sullen reply and an interesting emoticon followed by the words “you know, I’m not reading this.” Sure, I’ve been known to send him (and my daughter) preachy sorts of things, but in my defense this was actually a sports article and a good one at that. But my kids are too wise and know their mother too well…the warning lights start flashing, “SHE’S TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING.” And, yes, they’re right.

Lately, my SAVED files have been focused on one subject–SUBSTANCE ABUSE. I have countless, tragic articles on teens dying as a result of drinking games, drunk driving accidents, and every type of drug overdose. It’s morbid, I know. Some of these news links have photos…sweet, smiling photos of adolescents who have become victims and horrible, graphic photos of teenagers lost too soon. These are the kinds of things that break my heart. In the sweet smiling photos I see my own babies…innocent and full of promise. In the horrible, graphic photos I feel my eyes well up with tears and my throat tighten at what I can only imagine is a mother’s worst nightmare.

The researcher in me keeps hitting the “save” button and then I pour over the article looking for what went wrong and scanning the account for early warning signs and prevention strategies. The mother bear in me keeps hitting the “save” button, vowing that I will protect my children from drugs and alcohol at all costs. The realist in me keeps hitting the “save” button knowing that these sorts of things are happening NOW, in our schools and in our community. I do these things all the while praying…for an angel to watch over my kiddos, for good role models and friends for them, and that I might be the kind of parent that can love them through anything. I do this because I am not naïve, families (like mine and like yours) have been hit over the head and completely broken by these sorts of tragedies. If my research has proven anything, it’s that no one is immune.

Saved by the Bell. Season 3, Episode 21. 1991

But the news nerd in me says, “Tell them, show them” as I compile my montage of anecdotes and news links about the dangers of alcohol and drug abuse. I play out in my head conversations about how to handle alcohol and what responsible drinking looks like and then, oftentimes following beer commercials (while watching sports on TV,) we talk about it. I remind the kids that alcoholism has taken the lives of family members. We talk about some of the science behind addiction. I quote my mantra (courtesy of the Saved by the Bell television show,) THERE’S NO HOPE WITH DOPE. (I have actually told my children that I would foot the bill for that tattoo!) I scrunch up my nose every time some one tries to convince me that recreational marijuana is a good idea…and then I talk about it with my kids. I tell them that while I worked as a reporter that I met a woman who was my age (22 at the time) and addicted to meth. She looked gaunt with leathery skin. She slurred her words because she had lost so many teeth as a result of her addiction. Her hair was falling out and she was in jail. I remember this so clearly because in talking with her we discovered that we had similar backgrounds…middle class upbringing, two parent household, grew up in a small town, etc. And yet our lives were so different. When I share these things, I’m bold enough to tell them, “This is NOT for YOU.” And then I pray some more.

So here’s what I want them to know….

With one “hit,” they can drastically change their life.
Drinking games are not games.
Underage drinking and drug use is dumb (you’re destroying brain cells) and dangerous.
Being “under the influence” of anything will cause you to make horrible decisions.
Be on guard. Today strangers (and so-called friends) can put drugs/alcohol in your drinks and food.
Bad guys will prey upon girls (and boys) who are under the influence.
There will be photographs and I will find out.

And here’s what I also want to tell them….

I love you. I will help you and care for you first…but that doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences or a lecture for bad choices.
A bad day, date, break-up does not determine your worth. Don’t add to your heartache by throwing drugs and alcohol into the mix.
Peer pressure sucks. I taught you to the difference between right and wrong. Be strong. It won’t be easy, but I believe it is in you to say “No,” in fact I’ve heard you say it a thousand times already.
I’m going to ask you where you’re going and who you’re with. This is for both of us. It makes you accountable and helps me gauge just how much I should worry about you and whether or not I should just NOT let you go.
And finally, don’t die doing something stupid!

I’m sick of people glamorizing drugs and alcohol…in music, television and social media. It turns my stomach to see celebrities practically endorsing this kind of lifestyle. It’s gut wrenching to see so many young people, full of hope and promise, end up broken or dead…and for what? I wish I didn’t have a SAVE list full of these horror stories, but I do. So listen up, kiddos, I will continue to tell you (and your friends) all about them. I will even share the photos. Know that I’m adding to my arsenal of articles everyday…because you are loved and I truly do have so much more to tell you.

Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. Proverbs 1:8

A Lesson in Ponytails

Posted on February 21, 2016 by hymningandhaing

“I am not a perfect mother and I will never be. You are not a perfect daughter and you will never be. But put us together and we will be the best mother and daughter we would ever be.” – Zoraida Pesante

Lately, I’ve been marveling at my daughter. It’s not that she’s doing anything special really…it’s just that she’s growing up and I’m trying to take it all in. I get like this sometimes with my kiddos…making an extra effort to be super present, wondering what they’re thinking and how their brains work…basically just staring at them (sometimes they catch me–that’s a teeny bit awkward!) The funny thing is, that while she may not actually be getting any taller (she’s doomed to be short like her mother,) I can see all kinds of other changes…in her maturity, her personality, and the way she carries herself. She’s really becoming her own person and as a consequence separating from me…at least as much as any 11-year-old should be allowed to do. So when I came across this article titled What Your Ponytail Says About You on the Man Repeller website, it really caught my eye.

You see, Casey and I both LOVE long hair. I would say about ninety percent of the time we both choose to wear our hair down, but we are not strangers to ponytails. As soon as Casey’s hair was long enough, I would put it in pig tails or a nice high pony. I loved fixing her toddler hair and adorning it with those cutesy little girl bows! Then came Disney Channel and it wasn’t long before she boycotted wearing her hair up and started favoring long locks carefully styled with a head band (a la “Gabriella Montez.”) No more funny “fountain” ponytails on the top of her head! Recently, however, after years of only wearing ponytails to play sports, she has decided that the pony is in style again…only now it’s on her terms. This is what made the ponytail article stand out. No longer would she settle for my favorite style (the high pony,) but rather she preferred the low and parted ponytail–and she could style it all by herself, thank you very much. The low and parted ponytail, the one the Man Repeller article labeled the “champagne” of ponytails for its elegant and timeless look. The description basically screamed “Casey.” It went on to say that this was the look of someone who is “making a knowing decision to look put together.” Yes, that’s my girl.

So, out of curiosity of course, I had to look up the hidden meaning to my go-to ponytail look–the HIGH pony (a look I’ve been sporting for practically my whole life!) Turns out it’s the preferred style of those who exercise (what?) and it’s also great for “signaling that you don’t give a what!” Apparently this is a very versatile look and its meaning depends upon the method in which it is executed (combed and smoothed, tousled and messy…that’s a lot to read in to a ponytail!) It goes on to say that the “high ponies are the maxi dress of their kind,” suggesting that the look is only for some and definitely NOT for all! This made me giggle. Here I am a forty-year old wife and mother, and the high pony has always been my go to updo. Yes, I like the “fountain” as my daughter so affectionately calls it (did I mention that she’s pretty well versed in sarcasm these days?) The high pony is my all-time favorite!

All fun aside, this was just a cute reminder that while we have so many mother-daughter similarities, my girl is certainly growing up and developing her own thoughts and ideas. It’s causing both a swelling of pride and quite a bit of anxiety as well. In a matter of months, we’ll be talking about locker décor and what table she landed at for lunch in the middle school cafeteria. We’ve already had numerous conversations (or was it disagreements) about clothes and shoes…not to mention what’s in and what’s definitely OUT! Occasionally, I get to be labeled “cool,” but mostly I “just don’t know anything.” Still, I’m the first person she comes running to on a bad day, when she doesn’t understand something, or gets herself into a jam. Which just goes to show that what goes around, comes around. My own mother probably has loads of stories about my tween/teen years and the occasional ups and downs of our relationship back then. And I know that when I talk with fellow mothers today, it seems we’re all in some kind of yo-yo territory with our own girls at one time or another…a reality of growing up.

So, I may not be fixing her ponytails anymore…and that’s okay because every girl has to learn to style her own hair. It’s all just part of the process. And while I learned through curling iron burns, crazy perms and tons of AquaNet…it’s fun to watch her develop her own sense of style. (And in some ways I think she’s got the advantage–we didn’t have YouTube tutorials back in the day!)

May your ponytail be high (or low) and your mother/daughter relationship blessed 🙂

Hair doesn’t make the woman, but it definitely helps! –Unknown

You Really Are What You Eat (Feeding the Soul)

Posted on September 10, 2015 by hymningandhaing

For He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things. Psalm 107:9

This morning’s bowl of Cheerios. Yummy!

I like Cheerios. A lot. And not just at breakfast time. I think Cheerios are appropriate for lunch AND dinner, too. I should also note that I like them with AND without milk. So, if you are what you eat…then I’m heart healthy and packed with fiber and whole grain goodness! If only it were that easy. Truth is, in addition to my love for Cheerios, I really enjoy pizza, chocolate ice cream, nachos and several different brands of potato chips. I also think these tasty treats qualify as breakfast, lunch and/or dinner. Gross, huh? Because now it’s pretty obvious that if you are what you eat (Cheerios aside,) I am junk food—loaded with calories, packed with sodium and in every way possible just a cheesy, greasy mess 😦

I don’t want to be a cheesy, greasy mess. Who does? Which is why I’ve carefully chosen the middle of the road where these food cravings are concerned. It’s called MODERATION. We’ve all heard the word. It’s the term that foodies and nutritionists throw around which serves as code for “eat what you want, just not too much.” Have a small bowl of ice cream, instead of the whole gallon. Sounds like a good system. I mean MODERATION allows us to munch on the yummy (yet less than healthy) goodies we desire without any guilt and few consequences, right? Come on…you didn’t just land on the planet! You know that while moderation is all well and good, it can (and usually does) come back and bite us in our ever-expanding back ends. We are human after all…given to temptation and with little (if any) willpower. Watching what we feed our bodies is tough stuff. Health and nutrition can be hard to manage. Time, energy, and money all factor into the equation as well. Which is why I wish Willie Wonka would perfect that “3 Course Dinner Chewing Gum” Violet sampled in the movie. It would really come in handy at my house (sans the exploding blueberry part, of course.)

Clearly, there’s no easy button here. The same goes for what we feed our soul. It seems to be a recurring theme lately. Of course, I’m only speaking for myself, but it feels like everywhere I go that it’s not too hard to decipher one’s soul food diet. For example, the kid who is cussing up a storm at the baseball diamond is palling around with a tribe of kids cussing up the same storm. Never mind that there are three-year old ears in close proximity. Never mind there are grandparents in attendance. Never mind the fact that we all know your parents and you should know better! Somehow, somewhere this child has ingested ugly, nasty words and probably without any forethought, has decided to share them with the world. Look, I’m not the word police. Sure, I personally find it distasteful, but I understand that it is pretty common in today’s culture. That being said, I still would appreciate it if there was some consideration for the “audience.” Comedians, politicians, businessmen/women…most of us know that rule #1 in many parts of the real world is knowing your audience. Bottom line, if you’re going to swear, don’t share. Your friend is sitting right next to you and can easily hear you…so shouting your obscenities really isn’t necessary.

Still, the cussing is pretty benign. When you start adding up all the other foul soul food shares out there…like berating your kids in the store parking lot, trash talking your wife, glamorizing past and current drug use (in front of kiddos no less,) your disdain for the church and religion, your lack of confidence in political leaders, and your basic hate for anyone who doesn’t see life your way…the notion that you are what you eat becomes pretty clear. Listen, I’m not perfect. I know life can be hard. Maybe things haven’t been easy. Rough family life, a bad marriage, children who try your patience and the list goes on. There’s plenty of blame to go around. Often we try to excuse our own behavior by insisting that we don’t know any better or fault the way we were raised. But whether it’s nature or nurture (or a self-labeled “bad habit”) none of this lets any of us off the hook. We’re not all privy to the good life. Understood. But I think there’s an argument to made for the fact that we all WANT the GOOD LIFE. We want to be successful and happy, so let’s start making some personal decisions that breed success and happiness. Decisions that translate into being the absolute best that we can be! When it comes to good soul food, MODERATION doesn’t seem to amount to much. In fact, myself included, we need to be visiting that good soul food trough several times a day. I mean, would it really be terrible to try to attain a little positivity by feeding our soul a few good things?

Nosh on the POSITIVE. Live better, be better. Find kind neighbors. Be a kind neighbor. Show a genuine interest in your family and friends. Practice generosity. Pay it forward. Feast on GOOD news. Share your time and talents with others. Help a stranger. Say hello. Hug your children (often, or as often as they’ll let you.) Sing! Gorge on HOPE. Seek out good, honest friends. Be a good, honest friend. Affirm others. Believe in yourself. Be playful! Smile (a lot.) Be an example. Offer grace. REPEAT. With this menu you can go back for seconds and thirds–guilt free. I truly believe we are all capable of making good choices for ourselves and others.

This is the table that I want to sit at! And I want others to feel free to pull up a chair. Let’s invite our spouse, children, family members we get along with (and especially those we don’t) and our neighbors. Maybe we could all talk it over while enjoying Cheerios (with OR without milk.) Sounds good, doesn’t it? So…who’s hungry?

Food for the body is not enough. There must be food for the soul. Dorothy Day

That’s NOT My MTV….

Posted on August 31, 2015 by hymningandhaing

Everything popular is wrong. Oscar Wilde

I’ll admit that I don’t watch a lot of MTV these days, but I so clearly remember when the network first debuted in the 80s. Practically THE perfect channel (in my adolescent assessment,) as it was brilliantly simple–music videos with young, hip, fun personalities known as video jockeys (VJs.) The ability to tune in to my favorite songs, 24/7, served as the backdrop to my tween and teen years and I’m sure that was the story for countless others from my generation. And while reminiscing about Paula Abdul videos, Yo! MTV Raps, Pauly Shore and MTV News typically bring a smile to my face, it’s at this time EVERY year that my thoughts about MTV merely result in a long, sad sigh as the network offers up the its annual MTV Music Awards show.

Right now the web is blowing up with critiques and reaction to Sunday night’s show. The annual offering was pretty hard to miss given that it runs live on several Viacom channels aside from MTV. And while you couldn’t avoid it, there were plenty of reasons one might try to. Obviously, the show is edgy. It was edgy back in the day, but somehow the definition of edgy has been changed from simply “pushing the limits of good taste” to “practically naked” and “high on drugs.” Hence the long, sad, sigh.

I am a big music fan (I have kids so I think it’s important to know WHO and WHAT they’re listening to) and believe it or not, I was actually very familiar with most of the performers and nominees. I am genuinely impressed by the talent and creativity that goes into making a hit song, I just wish it could be different. The pop psychologist in me wonders if these music celebrities would be any less successful or culturally relevant if they decided to keep their clothes on and skip the pre-awards show doobie? I have a feeling those with true musical talent would still find fame, but those whose celebrity relies upon sensationalism might not. I guess that’s what they call “famous, for being famous.” My biggest disappointment in all this is that I’ve seen research that suggests provocative clothing (or lack there of,) foul language and drug references actually make today’s teens that much more inclined to like a song or artist. Apparently, marketing and public relations gurus are also hip to this trend as many advise their celebrity clients to continue to push the boundaries. Listen, I was young once…we all want to push a little, test the waters, and see what else it out there as part of declaring our independence from our parents, peers, etc. That’s pretty typical, but somewhere along the way we’ve also opened the door AND placed a welcome mat out to some pretty disappointing, potentially dangerous and scary behavior. Long, sad sigh.

The optimist in me keeps looking for a little glimmer of hope…a sampling of the fun, nostalgic MTV of days gone by, but that’s a pretty tall order for a network that has used sensationalism as its stepping stone toward continued relevance. Several writers have outlined their top ten moments from this year’s show and while I could recall each of these episodes…none of them stood out as great or outstanding. Most of them weren’t even about the music. Again…long, sad sigh. Just another f-bomb laden, almost nude, drug-promoting, angry ranting awards show. For me, the best part of the show was not what was taking place on the television, but rather my family’s reaction to the whole thing. I wish I had kept a tally for every time my husband asked “why we were watching this show, when we could change the channel, and if the show was over yet?” My tween daughter opted to watch YouTube tutorials in her room, and my teenage son didn’t even know the show was on (boy, I dodged a bullet there!)

No doubt the coverage of this event will continue. Miley Cyrus will be critiqued, the feud between her and Nicki Minaj will further develop, a reporter will be assigned to find out why Justin Beiber was in tears, and a campaign team is likely assembling now for Kanye’s presidential run. It’s all just a little too much. As I type this, plans are probably in the works for next year’s award show, but as much as I ascribe to the “devil you know” mantra…MTV just might have to count me out. I think I’m done.

When you get something like MTV, it’s like regular television. You get it, and at first it’s novel and brand new and then you watch every channel, every show. And then you become a little more selective and more selective, until ultimately… you wind up with a radio. David Lee Roth

A Flood of Thoughts (aka Back to School Panic Attack)

Posted on August 13, 2015 by hymningandhaing

Apply your heart to instruction and your ear to words of knowledge. Proverbs 23:12

Back to School 2015

I have a LOVE/HATE relationship with the whole “back to school” thing. I LOVE that my kids have the opportunity to grow and learn under the guidance of some pretty amazing teachers. I HATE that summer break is over. I LOVE that my kiddos are social butterflies…it’s good for them to be with their friends in the classroom and it takes the pressure off my role as “entertainment director.” I HATE that we have to wake up early. I LOVE having the house to myself for a few hours a day…and I HATE having the house to myself a few hours a day…you get the picture. So this morning as my daughter was packing up for her first day of 5th grade…something tripped my panic button hard–this wasn’t just the first day of 5th grade…no…, this was the first day of her last year in elementary school! I HATE the panic button 😦

As luck would have it (I’m saying this sarcastically,) we walked to school this morning…thus giving me plenty of time to think and let the panic button go to work. Was she prepared? Was she nervous? Would this be a good year? What really makes a school year good? It wasn’t long before my panic attack became a full blown list of “did I tell her….?” So for my sanity (because this “back to school” thing is all about me,) I’ve come up with a few thoughts to share with her (after school, of course.)

School is about learning. Sure you go there to learn the “school” stuff, but you will learn so much more. You’ll learn about yourself. Each day you’ll grow in discovering who you are, what you stand for, and all that you’re capable of accomplishing. You’ll find out what you like and what you don’t like (and you just might be surprised how the categories break down!)
No one said you have to know everything…so give yourself a break. Some things will come easily. Other things will make you work (hard.) Both are good.
Relationships are tough, but worthwhile. Getting to know a new teacher will take time. Building friendships take time. Discovering who to avoid…well, that takes time, too. Not everyone will like you and you probably won’t like everyone. Either way, be kind. You never know what someone else is going through. If you want a friend, be a friend. It is far better to be remembered for being a “good guy” than a total jerk.
Pay attention. Learning requires focus. Don’t assume anything. Ask questions. It’s okay not to get it the first time. Practice, preparation and performance are related. Don’t get behind. If you need help, say something.
Trust your instincts. God gives us that little voice for a reason. Tune your ears and your heart to it. Remember that peer pressure can be a trap. Comparing yourself to others is never a good idea.
Think before you speak. Words can hurt. Offer grace and understanding at every turn. Compassion for others goes a long way. Be a helper.
Even good kids make mistakes. You’re not perfect, none of us are. Making mistakes goes beyond the classroom. You know where I stand on drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. Likewise, you should realize that lying, cheating, and disrespect will also not be tolerated. At the same time, I love you and together we can work through anything.
It’s okay to pray at school. I’m not telling you to get on the loud speaker and lead a revival, but don’t be afraid to ask God to guide you throughout your day.
School is your job right now. As your mother, I will be on you to do your homework, study for tests and remind you not to take short cuts. This is important for you now and in the future, but school performance is not the sum of your worth.
Attitude is everything. You get what you give. You will have bad days. Life is unfair. How you navigate through the good and the bad says a lot about your character. You can do this. I believe in you no matter what.

So my LOVE/HATE relationship with this time of year continues. I LOVE that I have the opportunity to share these thoughts with my daughter. I HATE that she’s growing up so fast. I LOVE watching my kiddos move forward on this journey toward adulthood. I HATE that tomorrow morning my son will have his first day of eighth grade. I can hear the panic button gearing up now….

Intelligence plus character – that is the goal of true education. Martin Luther King, Jr.

He’s Not YOU and She’s Not ME (Oh, the Perils of Parenting!)

Posted on March 15, 2015 by hymningandhaing

Don’t try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it. –Russell Baker

The idea of being in charge of small people always seemed overwhelming to me. Babies need constant care, toddlers keep you running, then come the tantrums…and all this during a child’s cutest phase! And please, don’t be fooled by the false hope of the elementary school years…while the child is certainly capable of handling many tasks independently, elementary school is definitely a whirlwind all its own. If questions and comments your child picked up from preschool friends had you blushing…just wait! With a better vocabulary and dedicated lunch/recess time to “share,” your child is sure to come home with a couple of doozies! I am just now treading into the tween and teen years of parenthood and I’m anticipating even more hurdles and embarrassing conversations. I mean, these are the years they actually WARN us about 😦

In reality parenthood is everything they said it would be…good, bad, frustrating and rewarding. We love our kiddos and I’m pretty sure the cycle of life isn’t going anywhere! However, it’s come to my attention lately that dealing with my kids is getting a lot more complicated. When they were little they exemplified typical “little” people behavior. The moments of defiance and cuteness along with the awe of learning new things were just part of a normal day. And newsflash–probably none of our children were truly exceptional at this point. In fact, I’ve read several studies that suggest that most of our children all level out in kindergarten. That means despite being the product of a stay-at-home mom, single-parent household, working parents, or daycare (home or otherwise,) all of our kiddos have reached the same milestones at this particular crossroad in life. The differences become evident after our children enter school and not necessarily because of school itself. It appears that a child’s personality begins to develop and solidify all within the first few years of elementary school (barring any huge life events, of course.) I am not a psychologist, but I think the stats hold up. An even-tempered child at age 6 likely maintains that even temper. A selfish child at age 7 probably has selfish tendencies throughout life. A sensitive demeanor at age 8 means the child has a good chance of maintaining that sensitivity well into adulthood.

So here’s where I stand with my now “complicated” kiddos. As a 10 and 13-year-old, their personalities are well-developed and those same personalities are not afraid to go head to head with mine! This is a good AND a bad thing. As nature would have it, my kids and I have some similar personality traits. For example, my son and I are suckers for comedies and enjoy wasting hours watching funny movies. We laugh at the same dumb things and for the most part “speak the same language.” My daughter and I both love organization, we approach problems very analytically, and LOVE to read and learn new things! All three of us are artistic. On the other hand, my kids are extremely social while I am an introvert. Their constant need to be with friends and have friends over just blows me away! They both enjoy sports while I threw out my hip playing kickball in my grandma’s front yard (no athletic ability here.) They both love video games and I consider video games to be the ultimate waste of time. None of this is a deal breaker, but we do spar over homework, practice time, and responsibility. I wonder about their commitment level, attention to detail and their desire to work hard. I have a tough time hearing them complain about problems that they can fix themselves, whine about situations that get a little difficult and sulk when things don’t go their way. It’s in these things that I have to stop and remind myself, “He’s not you, and she’s not me.”

It’s not an easy thing to maneuver. When I got into this parenting gig I never once contemplated the idea that these little beings could give me any problems or try my nerves. In a naïve way, I imagined they would be some kind of “mini-me” and thus, they would be perfectly reasonable at all times (feel free to laugh out loud here!) All any of us really have to go on when we enter parenthood are our own childhood experiences, the experiences of those closest to us, and maybe a couple of baby books. So basically, we might as well go into this blind…because this is what I remember from my early days:

I’m pretty sure I was not your typical child. In a lot of ways I was probably always a little bit of a grown up…or perhaps an old soul. I was thoughtful in ways that most kids never think of…weighing the pros and cons of many decisions that others wouldn’t even consider. I was very self-concerned and stubborn. I worked hard. By the time I was 8 I knew I wanted to go to college and I was driven to get there. I was shy and serious. I was afraid of failure. I WAS BY NO MEANS PERFECT. I put a lot of pressure on myself. I hated making mistakes and vowed to learn from them. I felt very safe and secure with my family. I was creative. I didn’t really care what other people thought of me. I believed in a God who loved me and would never abandon me.

This is how I “remember” my childhood, but this alone doesn’t garner enough information on how to raise a child…especially a child that in all likelihood would be very different from myself. Oh, how I wish I had realized all this earlier!

Possessing an awareness that there are and will be differences is key to navigating my parenting responsibilities now and into the future. This newfound credo of “he’s not you, and she’s not me,” might be the saving grace that I need to get over this parenting hump. Stepping back and realizing that we are all separate individuals and that our differences are okay (heck, we might even learn something from one another) could make these next years a growing experience for us all. I know that the head to head battles will exist (there’s no way I’m going to let them grow up without a sense of accountability and purpose,) but hopefully the battles will also include some level of understanding. I truly love these kiddos and I want to love them into being the people God called them to be…not a “mini-me” clone and certainly not the “ideal” person that lives in my imagination. Most of us hope to raise children to be more than ourselves…we seek to give them not only the things that we had growing up but so much more. We want them to have the benefit of all those who have come before them…us included. The long-held belief that each generation should be better than the one before drives us in so many ways, but it’s also a belief that can cause us to “run-over” our own children. A lack of understanding can stop them in their tracks before they’ve even had a chance to start…and we’ve all seen it happen far too many times.

My kids will not have a childhood experience that mirrors mine. Their friendships and relationships will look different from the ones I knew 30+ years ago. They will stumble and fall. They will let me down and they will find a strength that I never knew they could possess. These same kiddos will test the waters and sometimes they will get hurt. They will succeed in areas where I’ve failed and they will thrive in places I would have been too afraid to venture into. And really, the last thing the world needs is a “mini-me,” (because I am certainly not all that easy to deal with!) In the end, when they finally reach adulthood, I pray that I would have loved them through all of it. I know it will not be easy because I have high hopes and expectations (I’m still a mom after all!) But these years–the tweens and teens, the “home-stretch” if you will, are far too valuable to just endure. These are critical times. Love your daughter. Love your son. And remember, “he’s not you and she’s not me…” it just might make all the difference.

Childhood is a short season. –Helen Hayes

hymningandhaing (The Title Explained)

Posted on February 22, 2015 by hymningandhaing

First learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak. Epictetus, Greek Philosopher

Not that anyone has ever asked, but I thought that maybe I should explain (just in case the thought ever crossed your mind)…why hymningandhaing? If it sounds familiar and looks horribly misspelled, then you’re right on both accounts. The title is my take on the familiar idiom “hem and haw.”

When I began writing this blog in 2011, I planned to share bits and pieces of my faith along with my everyday life and I wanted a title that would reflect that theme (go with me on this one, the road is a little twisted here….) To hem and haw means to dither, refuse to give a definitive answer and to keep one’s options open (according to The Word Detective at least.) So while the more familiar version of hemming and hawing connotes a level of indecisiveness, uncertainty and fence-sitting, my interpretation is a little more personal. The “hymning” part is a playful way of suggesting that while I’m a pastor’s wife, I am also the least literate hymn person in the congregation! I didn’t grow up in church so for the most part the hymnal is full of dozens of songs I’ve never, EVER heard of. Not exactly what you’d expect from the so-called “first lady of the church,” (a title that makes me giggle every time!) While this might seem like a sad state of affairs, the “haing” part of the title (pronounced ha-ing…like ha, ha, ha) suggests that I try to take all this in stride and accept the fact that no matter what role I find myself in (wife, mother, sister, friend, etc.) I always try to find the lighter side of things and not take myself too seriously. Afterall, NONE of this was my plan. I am just grateful that God’s plans are so much bigger than anything I could have imagined for myself! And that’s where the original hemming and hawing meets my variation. I don’t know where all this is going or how it will all play out. For the most part, I try to stay open to the possibilities, be thoughtful in all situations and just wait and see…realizing that I don’t have all the answers (if any at all.)

So that’s it. It’s definitely not an earth shattering revelation. Just a little insight. Although I will admit that it makes me belly laugh every time someone mispronounces the blog title! My favorite to date is when someone asked me why I call it hymning-and-HAYing…is it because I live on a farm? (No, I don’t.) 🙂

Election Reflection (I Got My Sticker, How ‘Bout You?)

Posted on November 5, 2014 by hymningandhaing

Did you vote? Or did you “rock” the vote?

Either way on this post-election Wednesday I am enjoying the quiet. As I sip coffee I am mindful of the fact that my phone is eerily and peacefully quiet (yes, we still have a landline!) No longer am I the recipient of ten thousand political robocalls…none of which I ever listened to from start to finish…that is if I even picked up! It was so bad that my children would even groan when the phone rang. The Caller ID (yeah, I still have that, too) flashed phone numbers from around the country. Some robocalls even left messages for me…I didn’t know that they could do that? When an actual “live” person was on the line, they only wanted to know which way I was voting. Sounded like a trap to me. I politely told the fella that I hadn’t decided and that must have put me on another list, because the calls really amped up from there. Vying for your vote is serious business! Outreach that could have boosted my ego and made me feel super popular, actually made me a little sad and not to mention overall annoyed. It makes me wonder how effective this strategy really is and whether or not it even matters anymore (the incessant campaigning, not the vote.)

Listen, I’m not apolitical. In fact, I might be a little too political. That being said, I really want to see an end to all of this insane campaign saturation. I understand that the candidates have a job to do, but I also think that the American people have a job to do, too. And in some ways, the candidates are letting us off the hook with their quick 5 point mailers, flashy slogans, and negative campaigning. I remember being a student in junior high (man, I am dating myself all over the place…that would be “middle school” for some of you) taking government class and absolutely LOVING it. I enjoyed learning about the history of our country and the hows and whys in which the government was set up. Somewhere along the way, I thought it was my responsibility as a citizen to participate and understand politics. I thought the onus was on me to take the time to research the candidates and issues on the ballot. In some ways, I feel really let down to know that this isn’t necessarily the case.

We all know that the negative campaigning has increased year after year, election after election. At times it feels like the political process is more about mudslinging and name calling…bringing to mind childhood playground antics and bullying mentality. Most people whom I talk to agree that this is irritating, mean-spirited and in some cases, off-putting enough to cause them to bow out of the process altogether. As an adult, I should no longer be surprised to see how politics causes rifts in families and friendships…yet I am consistently amazed at how divisive it all can be. I try not to be discouraged…and as a result this election season I set out to be more observant of the whole process as it relates to the current political culture in America. I’m taking in the mailers, radio and TV ads, the intense campaign presence on the internet and especially all the attention focused on our newest voters, not to mention future voters. It’s been interesting….

As a parent, I’m particularly invested in how my kiddos see the election process. One moment comes to mind: the Presidential Election in 2008. At the time, my youngest was three and my oldest was seven. Nickelodeon was doing a gangbusters job of involving the kids in the election with the Kids Pick the President campaign. So much so, that my kids were lobbying for opposing candidates. Casey was crazy about “Rock Bobama” (yes, that’s what she called him 🙂 ) She ran around the house mumbling “Rock Bobama” for weeks. She recognized him whenever he came on TV (whether it was Nickelodeon or not.) You would have thought he was a member of the family! She would be mesmerized by the Kids Pick the President promos and would ask us if we were voting for her candidate! It was incredibly cute and sort of disturbing at the same time. She had no idea what voting was, but when the promo showed up during “Dora the Explorer” she knew enough to know this was serious business. We laugh about it now, but it goes to show how well some campaigns work.

On the other side of the ballot was Sean’s candidate: Senator John McCain. Sean was particularly moved by the fact that Senator McCain served in the military and had been a prisoner of war. At the time, my son was a student in Wichita public schools. His class was following the election process and he had a zillion questions for me. We spent a lot of time (clarification…a lot of time for a seven-year-old) looking up both candidates and their platforms. Sean felt very confident and ready to cast his ballot at school. When his candidate lost, he was sad and surprised. I was taken aback at his reaction. He explained to me that it wasn’t fair…Senator McCain had given up so much for this country. He was certain that he would be a great leader. He sulked a bit, but if you know Sean…he bounced out of it rather quickly–although I did see him shoot his sister an occasional evil glare whenever she mumbled about the house chanting “Rock Bobama.” The campaign may have been over, but it’s hard to undo a phrase that has been hardwired into a three-year old’s brain. Thanks, Nickelodeon.

As a family, we spent a lot of time talking about the election this year. The kids shared their thoughts, ideas and especially their observations. Casey still has several “new” political catchphrases rolling around in her brain and off her tongue (she knows quite a few negative ads verbatim. Thank you, YouTube!) Living in Kansas, the campaign was particularly mean-spirited at times …especially where the U.S. Senate was concerned. We went over and over what it means to be a “liberal” and a “conservative.” I don’t know about you, but I found it all rather amusing that we spent the whole 20-minute ride to the orthodontist’s office talking about Senator Harry Reid and why he was mentioned in so many political ads. On a more solemn note, never did I imagine that I would have to explain gay marriage to a nine-year-old or drudge up the terrible crimes committed by the Carr brothers and why that was a relevant part of this election’s campaign to my thirteen-year-old. But this is the real world–good and bad, and politics is certainly no exception.

Overall, I’m glad that we have made time to discuss the importance of voting and the election process. It made my day to see a long line at my polling site and to discover via Facebook that a number of my friends and family voted as well. It is an incredible responsibility–one I don’t take lightly and I hope to instill that value in the hearts and minds of my kiddos. Last night while listening to a local pundit recap the election results, the radio host asked him this question, “What wins elections? What do you think the anti-tax group did that the pro-tax campaign didn’t do?” He simply answered that there are so many factors…money of course, but also repetition of message. He said, “Repetition wins.” I took those two words to heart. I love this country and we have plenty of room for improvement. And if “repetition wins,” then we have some important values that we need to repeat…freedom, responsibility, and honesty to name a few. At the same time, we have to keep in mind that repetition can work against us as well. If you hear enough that your vote doesn’t count, nothing ever changes, or that voting isn’t important…well eventually that will sink in, too.

“To whom much is given, much is expected….” Such wise words. We live in the greatest nation on the planet. This is important. So keep voting, America. Over and over. Repeat.

Nobody will ever deprive the American people of the right to vote except the American people themselves and the only way they could do this is by not voting.—Franklin D. Roosevelt

hymningandhaing

balancing faith, family & a few dozen other things on the yellow brick road

Tag Archives: information